The Guinea Pig Generation

I know it has been a hot minute since my last post. Don't think I quit on you! Life has been busy but no one likes a quitter. That's why I still eat 20-30 pieces of chocolate a day...I'll never quit.

I do not know if people realize what we are doing to ourselves. I have taken classes and sat in presentations regarding our generation (thank you to the older crowd that is reading the blog, you can feel young again and lump yourself into our generation group). Some refer to us as Generation- Y or if they are cool, Gen-Y. Some people refer to us as Generation Next, the Echo Boomers, or the newest sensation, Millenials. Those are all fitting names in one capacity or another, but I have another one to throw into the hat.... Generation Fucked.

Generation Fucked? You must think I am an idiot. How could we be Generation Fucked with all of this great technology and advances in every field? That reasoning is the reason why we are all fucked. We are essentially a shit load of guinea pigs for future generations.

With Black Friday upon us, you are probably getting wet thinking about what piece of technology you are going to add to your collection. Let me put it like this, during our lifetime, we have seen the invention of the cell phone, laptop computer, ipod, digital camera, gps system, etc... Basically we have set ourselves up for futures with 6 eye balls, 2.5 ears, and a sack of grape-looking tumor hanging off of our faces.



How are we to know the long term effects of all of this technology and "waves" we are throwing at ourselves at an exponential rate? Cell phones and PDAs are the closest thing to magic out there. Through the air from all parts of the world you can receive a message, an e-mail, a picture, a pornographic picture, and possibly, if the person is not lazy, you can actually talk to someone. But the fact that it can happen THAT easily means there is some magic wave out there that is going to your brain.

Now I know for a fact that probably 75% of you nasty cell phone users shove that shit in between your crotch when you drive. Sure it feels good when it vibrates! Sure it feels even better because it hits you randomly! But what the fuck! A cell phone next to your reproductive organs?? I don't give a shit what kind of research has been done saying its "OK." You know why? Because there's no research that says a cell phone adjacent to your cock is OK for 40 years!

Please don't get me wrong, I am not here to try to come off as some crazy fucking conspiracy theorist, I am simply sharing my opinion of why we are putting our bodies in a position to be totally fucked in the future.

Now besides cell phones. Think about laptops. I am sitting here with one on my lap, warming up my balls. That's all.

Yet even with things like the expansion of the internet, we have all been exposed to some strange ass fucks that can too be ruining our future. Besides the whole technology and crazy waves entering our bodies, the expansion of the internet and internet media will simply fuck people up physically. Take for instance, eating shit and throwing up in another person's mouth (2 girls 1 cup). Or getting butt fucked by another guy and letting your junk spin around in circles (meatspin). Maybe getting fucked in the ass by a horse (2 guys 1 horse)? Now when I say things like Lemon Party or Goatse you giggle because you know what I am talking about.... and for those of you who don't, I know you are going to google these things... just DON'T DO IT AT WORK lol.. seriously! (Peter)

Because of the internet people do the most ridiculous shit that is NOT OKAY!! Then people do more ridiculous shit to try to top the next person. The next thing you know, eating shit and throwing up in someone's mouth will be considered tame and weak sauce. Because of the internet, the future for fucked up shit is endless.

Back to the technology piece. There is no research that shows the long term effects. It is going to be like STDs and different forms of diseases... sure they knew about that shit a long time ago, but lately there are new forms being discovered, things that were not imaginable years ago. 50 years from now people are going to be like Holy shit! They only had 2 testicles back then! I can't believe how fucked up humans used to be!

I don't know if there is a moral to this story. Because I know that I for one will not stop using my blackberry or stop operating in front of a computer 16 hours a day. I will use my ipod at the gym and my navigation system to drive across the street. Shit, I'll even stop reading books and use a Kindle. But nonetheless, technology is booming and we have no idea what it will do to us. But in a way, we are in this together! And in 50 years I will be shaking one of my 4 fists and saying to everyone who will listen, that "I Told ya so!!"

For the Ladies...The Truth About Guys

Wow. A Month. I have not posted in a fucking month. Sorry.

I am lucky (or unlucky) enough to have a job where I work with all college kids. I also have all sisters and a bunch of female friends. If there is one thing, ONE THING in common with girls in general, is that they all bitch about guys. There is not one thing constant about the female gender besides the fact that they all bitch about guys. Shit, not all of them have tits, not all of them have vertical snatches, the ONLY constant is their ability to bitch about dudes.

Listen ladies. I am not professional, but I am a realist. You are not alone when you are bitching about this or bitching about that. What I can tell you though is that your man/boyfriend/significant other/booty call is also not alone. He is just like everyone else.

The following is a list of things that are constant across the board for all heterosexual males.

1) ALL GUYS WATCH PORN. Fuck you for not believing that, it's true.

2) WATCHING PORN DOESN'T MEAN YOU AREN'T PLEASING US. We have been watching porn since internet was dial-up, our service was EROLS and it took 15 minutes to download a 42 second clip. We have been watching porn since we were 13. There is no difference why we watched porn at 13 than why we do at 23. It's a billion dollar entertainment industry. Unless a guy comes to you saying he only wants to bust a nut on your face and stick his fist in your ass, other than that you are fine. Porn is to men as Cosmo is to a girl. Entertainment... and possibly provides some tips on how to improve performance.

3) ALL GUYS MASTERBATE. Anyone that says he doesn't is a liar.

Let's get the porn and the jerking off categories out of the way...

4) JUST BECAUSE HE STARES AT ANOTHER GIRL DOESN'T MEAN SHIT. Stop it right now. If you are a girl who gets mad when some hoe walks by in some cut-off jorts and a tank top, STOP. You should get mad if your man does NOT stare. That would make him gay. Listen. Girls are whores and love attention. They know what they got and flaunt it, you're guilty of it and know it. So what do you do? You wear shit that makes those features get some attention. Now that you realize that you do it... don't get mad at him for staring. It's natural.
(Tip: A guy uses the words Hot or Bangin or Cute to describe any girl. That doesn't mean shit. When a guy says she's beautiful or gorgeous, then you have an issue)

5) THERE IS A DOUBLE STANDARD ABOUT PUBIC HAIR. You shave that shit, he doesn't need to. Trim yes, shave no. Simple as that.

6) DON'T GET MAD WHEN HE TELLS YOU THE TRUTH. Girls have this magical fucking power. They ask you for the truth, you give it to them, they get mad. In turn, guys have now been programmed to automatically lie and tell the girl the answer they want to hear. If she finds out he lied, he's fucked. Its lose-lose. It is so much easier to just not ask for his opinion at all or reward him for his honesty. Trust me, it is so much easier to tell the truth and give your real thoughts/opinions.

7) 95% OF THE SHIT YOU DO, HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT. This is true. This is very important to understand ladies. This does not mean he doesn't care about you. It just means the shit you are doing doesn't interest him. Don't get mad at him if he doesn't show interest. Just do something more interesting.

8) DON'T ASSUME YOU ARE ALWAYS INVITED. Once you make this assumption you have officially stepped your boundaries. If you know he is going somewhere, ask him if he wants you to go. Girls are constantly bitching about going somewhere with him where his friends sucked, or they had no fun. Maybe you had no fun because you had no fucking business there!

9) HE LIKES BLOWJOBS BETTER THAN SEX. Stop complaining about it. As my favorite philosopher Nike once said, "Just Do It."

10) HE NEVER WANTS TO HEAR YOU FART, SEE YOU POOP, SMELL YOUR FUNK. Girls in all guys' minds are still incapable of performing those gross things. Once you do one or all of those things in front of him, you will NEVER be looked at the same. So don't complain if your boyfriend buys you a can of Febreze for your birthday.

11) HIS MOM IS ALWAYS RIGHT. This can be varied to be his mother, grandmother, aunt, whomever. Regardless, if you are arguing about how you do somethings vs his mother, you will never win the argument with him. Just accept it and move on.

12) ALL GUYS GET JEALOUS... EASILY. Stop bitching if he gets jealous every time you talk to a guy or mention your ex. That means he likes you and wants you to shut your face. Don't get mad about it. If you get mad, you are probably a whore and love the attention of a bunch of guys and want to watch him get upset and jealous. If that's the case, you will probably die lonely.

13) ALL GUYS HAVE HAD A GAY DREAM ONCE IN THEIR LIFETIME. This is true. It's a fact. If any guy you are with denies it, he is gay for real.

14) GUYS DON'T PLAY "HARD TO GET". This just means he doesn't like you. Stop kidding yourself.

15) YOU WILL NEVER BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN FOOTBALL. With the exception of anything medical related, nothing will make you more important than football.

This list smells great. Maybe I will add to it in the future.. maybe I will write my proposed truth about women? Either way, thanks for coming back... I'm sorry it has been so long!

Love you all. RESPECK!

Who Gives a Shit? I do!

Today's masterpiece is on a simple topic that affects everyone, everyday. Sorry ladies, this may be a more man-focused discussion, but I will do my best to try to tie in some similarities.

I was inspired by one of my best friends regarding this topic. For privacy reasons, he can be referred to as "Pete." He was telling me via text how he was taking a work-day shit break when some douche came in, took a pisser and turned off the lights on his way out. On a side note, I was amazed that this even happened because my friend, "Pete" is notorious for the gone in 60 seconds, fly-by shit. He once said in high school, "if I'm not out in a minute, I'm dead, call the police." Anyway, first thing that comes to mind is, in your work bathroom with obvious multi-person capabilities, who the fuck turns off the light? Is that your way of going green? This is not elementary school where its funny to take a popsicle stick and turn off the lights in the bathrooms. You ain't paying the bills, why the fuck are you turning off the light?

With all the said, today's topic: Bathroom Etiquette.

When looking at "Pete's" situation, every person has one huge responsibility when they are in the shitter. If you are dropping of Bill and the Cosby family off at the swimming pool, you need to let any newcomer that enters your domain, know that there is serious business going on. For instance, when someone walks, you need to have an automatic reaction. For most its the traditional clearing of the throat obnoxiously loud. For others, its the fake cough. Some like to shift around a lot, maybe getting the toilet seat to squeak. Some are like me and like to do their best to rip a juicy fart so a) your presence has been felt and smelt and b) you have established true master of the domain.

What does this mean? If you are walking into a bathroom and you realize there is a person in the shitter, don't turn off the fucking lights on your way out. Even worse, don't stand outside of the shitter door when someone is in there. Do your best to move to the side or something. Nothing is worse than sitting on the can and looking through the cracks just to see someone sitting there. It's like there is always someone looking at you. Some people are freaks and maybe they want to peek in. Go ahead, you'll get an eye full of pubes that look like a MANgina if you stare into my stall.

Next bathroom etiquette rule/standard of excellence: the 1 urinal buffer. This is an automatic ManLaw and something that your father should have taught you ever since you stopped peeing in a huggie. For those of you without a father, like me, you should have learned it from some drunk bastard who caressed your bicep at a baseball game. If that's not true for you, then I need to fire my therapist for saying that was a perfectly normal instance for any 17 year old kid. Anywho, one way or another, you should have learned to keep a 1 urinal buffer, if the situation allows of course. Apparently, this needs to be repeated because recently I was in an airport and out of literally 25 open urinals, this Danny DeVito look alike, wearing a sleeveless Everlast boxing shirt, cotton shorts and a fanny pack with monster head phones on, pulls up next to me starts draining the lizard. I was totally disgusted, I literally contemplated risking a UTI and stop myself, mid-stream just to walk cock out to the next urinal over. The awkwardness involved with having another man inches away from you in the most vulnerable of positions is unnecessary, so pee smarter!

Next bathroom etiquette piece of advice: I've seen the hover method fail miserably. I hear these stories of people hovering, I nearly gag. I do not know about you guys but there is MINIMAL consistency when it comes to the byproduct of my balloon knot. I feel like if I was a hover method follower, I would have stained legs.
Years ago when I was in Spain, I was with someone, we will call him "Nat" came back from the bathroom and sat down. He was sitting next to me in this nice restaurant. The chairs had a white cover on the fancy high-back chairs. When we were leaving I look down at his seat to see a brown spot. I said, "Nat" wtf is that?" He puts his finger on it, does a surface wipe and sniffs..."oh my gosh, its shit... its really shit! Was that you?!?" Was it me? What the fuck, you think I just happened to slide my own fucking shit onto your chair. Real mature dude. Then we look at the back of his khaki pants and tennis shoes to notice shit all over. It was not until days later that he admitted that it was his shit. How you ask? He said that he is an avid hover-er, and happened to be loose that evening and well, the results spoke for themselves. Be a man, wipe up the seat,and just like Nike said, Just do it.

Ladies, I know I said I would try to relate, but I realized that I can't. I do not really know how a ladies bathroom works. What I do know is that every single nice department store, the ladies bathroom looks like a fucking formal living room on real housewives of Atlanta. I get jealous of that shit. Talk about a money place to nap during shopping. Yet, when I was in Mall of America, I was looking for a golden piece of porcelain to shit in and went into a Bloomingdales. Best decision ever. I walked into the men's room and was immediately in awe of the couches that were in there. Finally, a little reciprocity. And of course, as all Asian tourists stereotypically do, I immediately reached for my camera. Then I had a second thought. A) gosh that is so AZN to bust out a camera but B) what if someone walked in. Firs thing in their mind... "what the fuck is this kid doing taking pictures in the bathroom.. security!!"

Well then, hope this helps you think more carefully about the decisions you make in public restrooms.

Also, don't forget to tell your friends, not family, to read the blog!! Respeck!

STALK this...

Sorry that it has been a while since my last post. I have been traveling the world and catching up on tv shows. Well, more of the latter, none of the former. I've just been really fucking lazy, so sorry.

I was inspired by today's topic by the students that I work with. This is a common, re-occurring statement I hear a daily basis which I think is absolutely ridiculous to begin with. What? Being a "stalker" on facebook or whatever social networking device.

I hate it when people say that they have been stalking your facebook or stalking your pictures or stalking your blog. You want to know what fucking stalking is?! It is when you follow a girl home from the bar, wait for her to go to bed, climb through her window and cuddle with her. Well, maybe that is a little more then stalking. But fucking flipping through someone's tagged pictures on facebook IS NOT STALKING.

You know why people (mainly girls) use terms like "um so I was totally stalking your facebook"? It is because they want to bring more attention to themselves and give a more unique term to them really bullshitting and procrastinating in life for 3 hours. What's wrong with saying..."yeah so I saw in your pictures...."? Well maybe because you don't want the person you are talking about say... "ew you stalker!".

You know what the truth is with all of that shit?!?! If someone puts their shit out there up on their profile, their blog, their photostream, etc... then they fucking want people to see it. I have all my shit out there for everyone to see. I have all my pictures for everyone to see.. well maybe except 4 people. If you don't want someone to see your shit, then change your settings so certain or all people can't see stuff. Don't call them a stalker for reading your information and finding out you work at Hooters. Stop making yourself feel more important than you are and try to flatter yourself by saying that so and so was totallllyyy stalking you.

The only exception is the TRUE facebook stalk. This is where you want more information about someone and you flip through common friends' pictures and hope to see that person tagged in a photo and maybe you click that album to see if there are more pictures of that person?? I don't know where that came from, someone told me that one before. Or hoping that that person has a public profile. OR if they are in a different network than you, you call your friend in that network to see if they can see that person's profile.... ummm then that is really stalking because if you are not facebook friends with a person, there is a 0% chance you are real friends with them.

I don't care if you read this and I have not seen you or talked to you in 20 years. I put this out there because I want everyone to read it.. well except the previously mentioned 4 people. Just don't make yourself look pretentious by saying people stalk you on facebook. And definitely don't bullshit yourself by saying your curiosity to look at pictures or read someone's shit was stalking.

Until the police post your picture on light posts and the Diamondback writes an article about you mysteriously cuddling with random girls, then you can call yourself a stalker.

Stalk this more often. I promise less time in between posts from now on. Respeck!

Dear Congress... Here's Your Solution to Juvenile Deliquency and Overall Crime

I was bothered by a story an anonymous friend, we will call him or her "Kortney" told me the other day. He or she told me about this person who we both knew that was 20/21 years old and had 2 children. Don't get me wrong, nothing is wrong with having children at a young age. The issue is when the person who is having these children is a fucking moron!

The person he or she was talking about was someone who actually played a huge role in my girlfriend and I getting together.

Originally during my senior year of high school, I was a TA for a biology class. On the first day of the class, the person being discussed, threatened to fight the teacher and all hell broke loose. As soon as that happened I asked if I could TA the teacher's HONORS biology class so I didn't have to spend the last semester of high school sitting in a classroom with a bunch of fuck-tards. That move to the honors class is where I met my gf, so at least this dunce-cap wearing idiot had one positive impact.

Anyway, people like this person should never ever be allowed to have children. Let them have sex all they want. Just don't let them have children. I love looking at little babies and their fat faces and laugh at the idea of punting them. But I feel saddened thinking someone like THAT is responsible for the lives of 2 human beings. That is disgusting.

So what do we do in a situation like this? We, as a nation, need to take preventative measures to make sure complete idiots like that do not reproduce and spread more of their breed around this fine country.

What I propose is to have a screening process at age 16. Maybe it can take place in a room right next to where you get your driver's license. Maybe DMV's will sponsor this? This screening process would involve medical professionals, mental health professionals and normal civil servants like teachers and police officers to screen each 16 year old. They would be simply screening whether or not this teenager in front of them is 'okay' enough to carry on their life, so that maybe one day in the future, they are free to spread their seed (or someone seed them)in hopes of reproduction.

By 'okay' I mean is this person not a fucking idiot? Does this person lay down in the back of classrooms while the teacher is teaching? Does this person throw textbooks out of a 3rd floor window into the courtyard of the high school? Does this person excessively end words with -izzy? Does this person smoke a blunt in front of a police officer while standing in front of them through a window while the police officer is breaking up a party? Does this person refer to their parents as their dealer?

Unfortunately, these examples I just used are people I know and have had the un-delightful pleasure of being around in my day. If the answer yes comes up to questions like those, then those kids should never have kids of their own. Don't get me wrong I am not saying anything against people who actually have mental or psychological issues. I am talking purely about people who have no excuse to be a fucking idiot and act like a cartoon character every second of every day.

How do you prevent that? You fucking sterilize them right then and there. The way technology is going, you could probably do some sort of e-snip that at a push of a mouse button you can cut a male's vas deferens, or snip a woman's fallopian tube or two. Either way, those people do not need to reproduce more of them.

Well now that I have offended probably 80% of you, I love you. Please comment and get unknowing strangers to read the blog! Respeck.

Cont... The Air Travel Rant

Unless you or your family are extremely rich and probably a douche bag, we all know what it is like to sit in the standard coach section of an airplane. We all understand how uncomfortable it can be and how tight things can be. And if you are portly, like myself (fine, tanned Asian nonetheless) then you know how things can be REALLY tight.

With that said, one thing that is nearly inevitable is looking up at each and every person that walks by you. I know for me, I am an aisle seat guy and every time someone walks by, I can't help but look up at them and more than likely they do the same. One thing that is a terrible situation I hope no one has to go through but always happens, is the Walk of Shame. In college the walk of shame is when some whore is walking back around campus or riding the shuttle bus wearing her silver tube top with hooker stilettos from the night before at 8am. I would rather be in that position than the airline walk of shame because it at least says, "yeah I got fucking laid." The walk of shame on the airplane is the miserable departure from the airplane's "lavatory" back to your seat after dropping the Cosby's off at the swimming pool. First off, what the fucking is a lavatory? What happened to your standard words like bathroom, restroom, shit hole?

When people seated in the plane, especially in the first 5-7 rows facing the bathroom, see someone go into the bathroom, usually you won't think anything of it. But if you take a while, no matter what those other passengers are doing and you come out after a long time in there, automatically, they say to themselves, "Jesus Mary and Joseph, they were in there for a long fucking time ew." Then you have to make the walk back to your seat where every single person who isn't asleep looks up at you, probably roll their eyes and give a minor sniff. You know what gets received with this sniff? The fucking rancid smell that the airplane bathroom already smells like that you have been trailing for 10 rows, PLUS the smell that you produced because your fucking ass is FACE level with each person you walk by now. And like I said those airplanes are so tight that when something stinks, it fucking stinks.

(On the side tip, my last trip, this fucking cunt who was diagonal from me had the AUDACITY to open a can of tuna fish as her snack. Who the fuck needs to eat tuna fish on an airplane? I would rather have stuck my face in between some sweaty Indian lady's grundle before smelling tuna fish on an airplane.)

Sorry, I digressed. Anyway, the walk of shame is fucking humiliating. I have not shit on an airplane since I was probably 14 and it was diarrhea. Yet I did get the walk of shame dirty looks after the first time I masturbated in the airplane bathroom. I do not know if it was because I took 15 minutes, or because the door broke open while I was leaning against it, causing me to land with my pants around my ankles, rolling around on the aisle? Either way, it fucking sucks being stared at. Usually I do not care what people think but fuckkk come on its so quiet and lame in the airplane that people have nothing better to do but be disgusted by the look of your face and stench of your ass.

But I feel for those guys who have to submit themselves to that public humiliation, because if you are subjecting yourself to squeeze in the shitter that is the size of the Frank family chill spot, then you probably HAVE to go. But what can you do to prevent this? If you have a choice between the bathrooms behind you and not in front of you, ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS go to the bathrooms in the back. People will only smell you when you walk by with your freshly, relieved ass, but they will not see your face nor will you have to make eye contact. Your other option, shit at the airport. Last option, just hold it. That's what I do. Fuck it if I have hemorrhoids, at least no one will have to look at that... well unless they toss my salad?

Hope you are not disgusted. I'm out for now, love you all. Respeck!

Airport Anti-Respeck Part I

As promised,I am going to bitch about the airport.With that said, I would like to say FUCK YOU shoe bomber! If it were not for your dumb fucking self, we would not have to take our shoes off at the security checkpoint. Do you realize how many people go through that line every single day? Do you realize how many (not to be racist) foreigners drag their feet along that tile floor, feet that are dirtier and seen more ground then my Dunlop Tires? Do you realize just how fucking disgusting it is to walk barefoot on that floor? God-forbid it is raining or snowing outside so you have to peel off your boots that have hooks and shit to keep your laces intact, or those 15 inch rubber boots chicks wear, that look just as easy to take on and off as putting on a condom in the dark for a fucking armless amputee. Imagine having kids! F that shit. Imagine if you fucked up like Jon and Kate and you had to untie and tie back on 6-8 pairs of shoes on top of yours. Fuck that. Solution? Travel via airplane ONLY in the summer and wear flip flops... but risk looking like a douche and wear socks, so you can burn them after the security checkpoint with the lighter you can bring with you, but you won't be able to put that fire out because you had to throw away your 16oz bottle of aquafina.

Next time I will talk about the Walk of Shame. Until then. RESPECK!

Back in Action.. what to expect and WTF Minneapolis?

My apologies to the thousands of you out there reading this. I have been out of town in one of the most unique cities I have ever been to: Minneapolis. This short trip for work brought up a lot of ideas which thanks to the blackberry I actually jotted down my ideas and not leave it to chance that my brain actually remembers. So for the next few days I will go through a number of topics centered around what sucks about flying.
Anywho, flying there aside, Minneapolis was a unique place. I do not think I have ever been to a place that had as many identities as they do lakes. First off, this city seems to love everybody but their own. There is such a blend of Packer, Bear and even Lions fans. Then you get your Cubs, White Sox, Brewers fans. Then there are 15 Joe Mauer jerseys on gameday to kind of make up for it. Minneapolis, much like the Mad Hatter had no idea wtf they wanted to be. Even in a place like Washington DC where everyone is from somewhere else and it is a big mixing bowl of rich and poor and white and purple, it still is centered around the great monuments, and each neighborhood has its own uniqueness. Yet in Minneapolis in the heart of their downtown area, it was such a crazy mix it was like the time I sprinkled fun dip in my Chipotle burrito and didn't know wtf was going on.First off, nothing says suck it when you enter a new city and there is nothing but construction everywhere. Maybe they are building a new identity, but jesus, there was more closed roads than open ones and my fucking rolling carry-on looked like Fred Flinstones busted ass feet after picking up Pebbles from Bedrock ES. It didn't matter anyway because at the heart of "rush hour" (5:30pm) I looked out my window of my hotel room and counted on my hands 5 cars on the road that were moving... FIVE.
Anyway, I digress. In the city right outside of my nice Hilton was a Ruth Chris steakhouse. Made sense considering the large number of big ass buildings and companies headquartered there. There probably is a good amount of businessmen and affluent cunts running around there. Yet around the corner is a Payday Advance or Checks Cashed place. For the record, people who have money don't use services like this. People who are addicted to drugs and rub their faces on sidewalks use services like this. Then every block of downtown, some city planning genius decided it would be a good idea to shape their bus stops like an octagon. God-forbid they strayed away from your traditional bench with a cover over top. Instead they made it into a bus stop sanctuary.. i.e. homeless people party pads. I understand Minneapolis is a cold place and lots of people use that shit, but I guess they didn't notice as fast as I did the tons of homeless people that live there (ironically, they "live" there, but have no where to live). So now, people can't truly use those bus stops because Gold-toothed Earle has his hot plate kitchen and guest bedroom set up in the bus stop. It is like giving them a free studio apartment in the heart of the city for $0 rent.
Besides the homelessness and the poor mixed with the extremely rich, the homosexual presence was everywhere. I didn't really know Minneapolis was known for that, but they run that place. No issues with that, just thought it was a unique place to set up shop. I guess Canadian gays are nicer.
So now we have the business men, the poor, the homeless who are really poor, the homosexuals, now it comes time bring on the countries. One of the most popular bars in Minneapolis is called Brit's. You do the fucking math on what country they represent. Then across the block is Locals... which is an Irish place. I tried to do the math, but that made NO SENSE what so ever. Didn't even meet a local who was Irish.. nor was anyone in there Irish, all they had was Jameson and lots of it. Then theres the Mexican restaurants which is okay.. pretty standard for a city, but then you have the Jamaican shop and the Indian grocery store. All of these within 1 block of each other, some facing or adjacent to one another.
Now the real breed of people there that were totally fucked up and wrapping up my wtf is Minneapolis rant, were your standard white people. Usually to me, white people look similar. Sometimes some are tanner than others. Some like my anonymous friend Jeff have a lot of freckles. Some have acne, some have dark hair, light hair, buzzed or pony tailed, whatever. Yet in Minneapolis white males LOVED their mustaches. I am not talking like your standard I have not shaved in a week I got a little stache growing. Nor the, hey its Halloween, I wanna look like Hitler, stache. They had the Super Troopers, Ron Burgundy, Dirk Diggler, fucking novelty look a like specials on their faces. At first I thought it was a joke. Then I saw 3 in the same place (Brit's). Then we went across the street and our bar tender at the Irish place looked like fucking Luigi from Super Mario! (who by the way had no idea wtf the Detroit Lions are) It must be THAT cold up there.
Then the biggest shot to my ego. The white women. These beings are not women. They are stretched out at birth and put on this planet to do one thing. Piss off all the short guys in this world and make our junk curl up into our stomachs. These fucking beasts were no joke, minimum 6 feet tall. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. I do not know how University of Minnesota does not have 99 National Championships in Volleyball. These girls eclipsed the sun while walking down the street. I can't talk about that topic for long because I will have to pop like 6 Xanax thinking about it.
I will close with this though. Even though how fucked up the city and all the people were, Minneapolis will not disappear anytime soon due to Social Darwism, kind of like how rednecks and gerbils are. The people there were smart enough to realize that is below 0 degrees farenheit 330 days out of the year and so what did they do? They built a skywalk system that connects a lot of the major buildings in their downtown area. With that you never have to walk outside and do not have to face the cold. This I thought was total genius. North face was probably pissed. Also, you can avoid the tons of bums.
Word. Well thats my thoughts on Minneapolis. Feel free to comment. I will be back later this week to discuss the fucks and cunts about airline travel. Until then, Respeck!

Definition of a Good Friend

I recently made a trip up to Beantown, where suprisingly there are not a lot of Mexicans. Anywho, I was visiting my friends, who read my earlier post about the anal tragedies aka post-lactose stress disorder, and did what they could to accomodate it. As you can see they purchased a great lactose-free product that left me diarrhea free.... well at least until I ate 6 slices of pizza. To keep them annonymous, I will use fake names. So thank you Jeff and Loren!

The Sun Never Sets on a Fatass

I live my life thinking that if I do not learn something about myself today, I did not live the day to the fullest. Every day should bring excitement and bring experiences that will impact the rest of your life. Today was no exception. Today, by accident, one of many trips to the bathroom lead to a revelation. I dashed inside from walking my dog and in desperation to make it to the john to drop the cosbys off at the swimming pooll, I luckily made it in time but this time it was different. I had left my sunglasses on.

I have some friends that do not take their time when taking a dump. In fact, I have a friend that once said in high school, "if I'm not out of here in less than a minute, call the police!" This is the exact opposite of the correct attitude one should have regarding the pooper. Taking a numero dos is one of the absolute, most private and personal moments you have with yourself. If you are in a serious relationship, forget about it, its the ONLY personal moment you have to yourself. Don't be one of those guys who keep the door unlocked and let your girl/guy come in and brush their teeth or chat with you. Let it be about you. Leave your cell phone and blackberry on the counter. A shit should be about you and only you. I do the best thinking on the dumper and will spend as much time as possible on there as possible. Shit, if you're at work and you are away from your desk for 30 minutes and your boss tries to be an asshole and asks where you have been and you respond you were in the bathroom, automatically, all things become awkward for him or her and your are in the clear. No boss will ever ask you anything more, besides "are you okay? do you need anything?" They will never say, "well don't shit again in this office!"

Yet it was today where my Ry*n time became extra special. Not only is a sesh on the shitter a magical moment in itself, but in high definition with my Maui Jim sport sunglasses was a whole 'nuther experience. If you are one of those douche bags that only wear $10 aviator sunglassses or the Sulja Boy silly plastic sunglasses, then you are part of a lame ass group of people as well as not priveliged enough to experience life in polarized, high definition. When you are outside it is like looking at a 1080p 72 inch lcd tv. But taking that new world into the can while relieving some anal stress is the epitomy of peacefulnessl. I could ramble on and find as many words as possible to rename the toilet, and express the greatness of the experience, but rather, I challenge you to do it. Comments are welcomed and encouraged. So as a great philosopher Nike once said, "Just Do It." Respeck.

Milk, Milk it's good for your heart.. the more I drink it the more i FART

My sudden urge for a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch sparked this entry.

You know what is embarrassing? It is embarrassing to have someone look for milk in your refrigerator and have to choose between Silk, Lactaid and half and half creamer. We may be one of the only families where your standard milk is not a regular on the grocery list.Reason being... once milk or one of her friends like cheese hit the lips,its immediately cocked and on standby at the balloon-knot's exit hole.

Although lactose intolerance (just learned that it was a 2 part word like last year) is one of those things that are common, it is frustrating as hell. When I try to tell people that I am they're like... "this fat ass that eats cheesy shit all day... yeah right!" I simply go the furthest restroom (hopefully not a public one) run the water and let the sounds entering the toilet blend-in with the faucet. But sometimes you gotta pick your battles, and for me, I would rather fight explosive diarrhea then stop eating delicious cheese and devouring delightful dairy products. Yes, go ahead and admire that alliteration.

Considering I will never pass up on a plate of delicious cheese fries or turn down a standard plain cheeseburger, I still fear your standard glass of milk. A couple weeks ago I, in desperate need of a bowl of cereal opted for the regular milk. FML. It was like Tienanmen Square, just with less Asian people involved.

Bringing me back to the products discussed earlier. Though these products are great and I care for them dearly, I still feel like a social outcast in the grocery store, looked at as a pants shitter.. a sharter even (thats a later blog entry). Silk is creative because they made it rhyme with milk. They even flavored it! Mom likes to get the vanilla.. frankly, its good but it taste like someone mixed milk of magnesia in there and has that old school chalkboard taste. Lactaid tastes just like milk except that it is called Lactaid. First impression of someone reaching for the lactaid is ewwwwwwww they must shit themselves with the regular stuff. Its public humiliation.. they might as well put it with the medicine aisle.

Anywho, back to my bowl of cereal drenched with Lactaid. I am off to Boston for the weekend and am anxious to see what kind of cheesy mess I find myself in! Respeck.

If Baby Jesus Were a Piece of Furniture

He would be The Man Wall. I had to do a mid-day post to display the greatest invention in mankind. And yes, rightfully so, it is called the Man Wall. RESPECK!





http://www.themanwall.com/the-man-wall/

Kids with Dads are Cooler than Me

This past weekend was another fun filled July 4^th weekend. I went down with my white friends to Lake Anna in Virginia and did the types of activities you would do at a lake… fish, go on a boat, Jet Ski, tubing, water skiing, pee under water, etc… It was a great time. I had an awesome time with my friends, except it was this weekend more than ever did I realize how much of a donkey puss I am when it comes to anything fun. I do not blame this on my mother who raised me, rather my lack of father.

Being raised by my mom and 3 sisters was great growing up and definitely has its perks now. For instance, I really like shopping, I enjoy cooking, a clean kitchen is a happy kitchen, and I know how to listen to a bitching friend for a long time. Unfortunately, those are characteristics of a gay guy too. And though far from popular belief, I’m pretty positive I am straight. Growing up it really did not have an impact (so I thought), I played a lot of different sports, I was a cub scout, went camping, did a lot. I never got good at any sports and never really did anything exciting outside of sports and traveling. Usually it’s the fathers who push their kids into sports and cater to their strengths. If I didn’t like something, momma let me quit. When it came to cub scouts and I had to be held upside down for these stupid pinning ceremonies, my mom had to ask a different dad to hold me because I was too hefty for her arms… at age 8. Fathers usually help with that fun shit.

This lack of excitement and exposure to “different” activities has lead to me to become a total vagine. Yes that is spelled right, a vagine. Say it out loud, it sounds funnier. (Vuh-jine)

One thing that was never checked off my activities or basic life skills list growing up was swimming. It’s not fun being the kid at the pool parties growing up always clinging on the wall and when the other kids want to play Marco polo or something fun like that, you reply “nah, I’d rather keep on playing Spider Man by myself.” You know what that really means? “I’m a big wussy who does not know how to swim and I am praying these 4 hours go by faster and can we get to the fucking cake already! Gosh get me out me out of this stinkin pool!” It’s also not fun being taught by your girlfriend how to swim… at age 20.. that happened. At least now I am confident that I can doggy paddle if need-be, but you will never find my ass going off a diving board. And yes, I will still cling to the edge of a swimming pool and keep on playing Spider Man, but now if people ask me to play Marco Polo, it’s easier to respond “F off “

Another important life skill that I did not learn until way too late to be useful is learning how to ride a bike. Every freaking 4 year old can ride a bike. Shit those kids on Jon and Kate plus 8 could ride bikes and there’s so many of them. How did their dad have the time to teach them how to ride a bike… you know, barely being there and all (too soon?). Anywho, I didn’t learn until I was 13. That is WAY too old for that shit. I was that kid who walked up to the basketball courts and volunteered to dribble the basketball up to the court so I had an excuse not to ride a bike. I ran through the dirt paths in the woods rather than biked because it was “funner” or I wanted to “test out my shoes.” Being deprived of basic shit like this only caused me to make excuses for myself…. Maybe that’s why I’m fat? Whoops, there’s another excuse.

I could go on and on about shit I never did but that can take too long. Cliff notes real quick, some of those other things include roller coasters, anything fast, and anything water related.

Back to this past weekend...

I found a lot of my weekend being horrified of drowning, horrified of doing anything fast, horrified of sitting on this big ass 8 foot inflatable couch called Super Mable, that even 4 year olds were riding… horrified of it all. I watched as my friends had tons of fun going really fast on the jet ski, or being dragged from the back of a boat, or flying off of a tube just for fun.. That shit looks like fun, but I know I would never ever want to be in a situation where that would happen to me. Rather, I found content (pronounced cun-tent not content like table of contents) in doing things like peacefully sitting on the dock and fishing or floating with 2 life vests in the water. Some may say that there is nothing wrong with that, but I think there is plenty wrong. A) I am too young to be a total pussy and B) what am I going to do when I finally have kids? I am not going to let them grow up and be complete wieners at the sight of water, fast-moving things and Asian people just like I am. Sooner or later I am going to have to man up and try doing some of this shit that white people find so great because looking back at how much of a virgine (word of the day) I am is funny, but at the same time oh so gay that it probably annoys people.. and as much as I annoy people, I don’t want it to be because of me being so weak sauce all the time.

Moral of the story, be a good parent and fucking do some exciting shit with your kid so they turned out as F’d as me.

Start Your Engines...

Welcome everybody to the fucked up world of Ry*n. For privacy reasons I do not want to let some of you complete strangers know my real name.

Thanks for coming by and checking out the fresh blog. I decided it was a good time to start documenting the obscene and obscure shit that goes on in my head to hopefully a) allow someone or a trained professional the opportunity to figure out wtf is wrong with me and b) hopefully give you another opportunity to procrastinate doing your schoolwork or shit around at the office. Other than that, I effing love you all.

The other day at work one of my minions/subordinates had mentioned that there should be a tv show about me. Unfortunately this is not the first time I have heard this. I say unfortunately beacuse I am 5'9 275lbs of constantly sweating, brown-skin Asian... not exactly tv material. Also when people say there should be a tv show about me, that only means one thing..."Ry*n, you are so fucked up and weird that people would be entertained by you." Not exactly something to brag about.

Please stay tuned, I am excited to start having real posts about real topics about real things that actually happen. Put this shit on your RSS feed. (I do not even know what that means but I know that for Tucker Maxx http://www.tuckermax.com/blog.phtml and Jason Fisher http://phonathonblogger.typepad.com/, I click the RSS Feed Button and somehow that shit is in my Outlook EVERY MORNING! So do that for me, and it is guranteed you read every post! Do it!)