Cont... The Air Travel Rant

Unless you or your family are extremely rich and probably a douche bag, we all know what it is like to sit in the standard coach section of an airplane. We all understand how uncomfortable it can be and how tight things can be. And if you are portly, like myself (fine, tanned Asian nonetheless) then you know how things can be REALLY tight.

With that said, one thing that is nearly inevitable is looking up at each and every person that walks by you. I know for me, I am an aisle seat guy and every time someone walks by, I can't help but look up at them and more than likely they do the same. One thing that is a terrible situation I hope no one has to go through but always happens, is the Walk of Shame. In college the walk of shame is when some whore is walking back around campus or riding the shuttle bus wearing her silver tube top with hooker stilettos from the night before at 8am. I would rather be in that position than the airline walk of shame because it at least says, "yeah I got fucking laid." The walk of shame on the airplane is the miserable departure from the airplane's "lavatory" back to your seat after dropping the Cosby's off at the swimming pool. First off, what the fucking is a lavatory? What happened to your standard words like bathroom, restroom, shit hole?

When people seated in the plane, especially in the first 5-7 rows facing the bathroom, see someone go into the bathroom, usually you won't think anything of it. But if you take a while, no matter what those other passengers are doing and you come out after a long time in there, automatically, they say to themselves, "Jesus Mary and Joseph, they were in there for a long fucking time ew." Then you have to make the walk back to your seat where every single person who isn't asleep looks up at you, probably roll their eyes and give a minor sniff. You know what gets received with this sniff? The fucking rancid smell that the airplane bathroom already smells like that you have been trailing for 10 rows, PLUS the smell that you produced because your fucking ass is FACE level with each person you walk by now. And like I said those airplanes are so tight that when something stinks, it fucking stinks.

(On the side tip, my last trip, this fucking cunt who was diagonal from me had the AUDACITY to open a can of tuna fish as her snack. Who the fuck needs to eat tuna fish on an airplane? I would rather have stuck my face in between some sweaty Indian lady's grundle before smelling tuna fish on an airplane.)

Sorry, I digressed. Anyway, the walk of shame is fucking humiliating. I have not shit on an airplane since I was probably 14 and it was diarrhea. Yet I did get the walk of shame dirty looks after the first time I masturbated in the airplane bathroom. I do not know if it was because I took 15 minutes, or because the door broke open while I was leaning against it, causing me to land with my pants around my ankles, rolling around on the aisle? Either way, it fucking sucks being stared at. Usually I do not care what people think but fuckkk come on its so quiet and lame in the airplane that people have nothing better to do but be disgusted by the look of your face and stench of your ass.

But I feel for those guys who have to submit themselves to that public humiliation, because if you are subjecting yourself to squeeze in the shitter that is the size of the Frank family chill spot, then you probably HAVE to go. But what can you do to prevent this? If you have a choice between the bathrooms behind you and not in front of you, ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS go to the bathrooms in the back. People will only smell you when you walk by with your freshly, relieved ass, but they will not see your face nor will you have to make eye contact. Your other option, shit at the airport. Last option, just hold it. That's what I do. Fuck it if I have hemorrhoids, at least no one will have to look at that... well unless they toss my salad?

Hope you are not disgusted. I'm out for now, love you all. Respeck!