Who Gives a Shit? I do!

Today's masterpiece is on a simple topic that affects everyone, everyday. Sorry ladies, this may be a more man-focused discussion, but I will do my best to try to tie in some similarities.

I was inspired by one of my best friends regarding this topic. For privacy reasons, he can be referred to as "Pete." He was telling me via text how he was taking a work-day shit break when some douche came in, took a pisser and turned off the lights on his way out. On a side note, I was amazed that this even happened because my friend, "Pete" is notorious for the gone in 60 seconds, fly-by shit. He once said in high school, "if I'm not out in a minute, I'm dead, call the police." Anyway, first thing that comes to mind is, in your work bathroom with obvious multi-person capabilities, who the fuck turns off the light? Is that your way of going green? This is not elementary school where its funny to take a popsicle stick and turn off the lights in the bathrooms. You ain't paying the bills, why the fuck are you turning off the light?

With all the said, today's topic: Bathroom Etiquette.

When looking at "Pete's" situation, every person has one huge responsibility when they are in the shitter. If you are dropping of Bill and the Cosby family off at the swimming pool, you need to let any newcomer that enters your domain, know that there is serious business going on. For instance, when someone walks, you need to have an automatic reaction. For most its the traditional clearing of the throat obnoxiously loud. For others, its the fake cough. Some like to shift around a lot, maybe getting the toilet seat to squeak. Some are like me and like to do their best to rip a juicy fart so a) your presence has been felt and smelt and b) you have established true master of the domain.

What does this mean? If you are walking into a bathroom and you realize there is a person in the shitter, don't turn off the fucking lights on your way out. Even worse, don't stand outside of the shitter door when someone is in there. Do your best to move to the side or something. Nothing is worse than sitting on the can and looking through the cracks just to see someone sitting there. It's like there is always someone looking at you. Some people are freaks and maybe they want to peek in. Go ahead, you'll get an eye full of pubes that look like a MANgina if you stare into my stall.

Next bathroom etiquette rule/standard of excellence: the 1 urinal buffer. This is an automatic ManLaw and something that your father should have taught you ever since you stopped peeing in a huggie. For those of you without a father, like me, you should have learned it from some drunk bastard who caressed your bicep at a baseball game. If that's not true for you, then I need to fire my therapist for saying that was a perfectly normal instance for any 17 year old kid. Anywho, one way or another, you should have learned to keep a 1 urinal buffer, if the situation allows of course. Apparently, this needs to be repeated because recently I was in an airport and out of literally 25 open urinals, this Danny DeVito look alike, wearing a sleeveless Everlast boxing shirt, cotton shorts and a fanny pack with monster head phones on, pulls up next to me starts draining the lizard. I was totally disgusted, I literally contemplated risking a UTI and stop myself, mid-stream just to walk cock out to the next urinal over. The awkwardness involved with having another man inches away from you in the most vulnerable of positions is unnecessary, so pee smarter!

Next bathroom etiquette piece of advice: I've seen the hover method fail miserably. I hear these stories of people hovering, I nearly gag. I do not know about you guys but there is MINIMAL consistency when it comes to the byproduct of my balloon knot. I feel like if I was a hover method follower, I would have stained legs.
Years ago when I was in Spain, I was with someone, we will call him "Nat" came back from the bathroom and sat down. He was sitting next to me in this nice restaurant. The chairs had a white cover on the fancy high-back chairs. When we were leaving I look down at his seat to see a brown spot. I said, "Nat" wtf is that?" He puts his finger on it, does a surface wipe and sniffs..."oh my gosh, its shit... its really shit! Was that you?!?" Was it me? What the fuck, you think I just happened to slide my own fucking shit onto your chair. Real mature dude. Then we look at the back of his khaki pants and tennis shoes to notice shit all over. It was not until days later that he admitted that it was his shit. How you ask? He said that he is an avid hover-er, and happened to be loose that evening and well, the results spoke for themselves. Be a man, wipe up the seat,and just like Nike said, Just do it.

Ladies, I know I said I would try to relate, but I realized that I can't. I do not really know how a ladies bathroom works. What I do know is that every single nice department store, the ladies bathroom looks like a fucking formal living room on real housewives of Atlanta. I get jealous of that shit. Talk about a money place to nap during shopping. Yet, when I was in Mall of America, I was looking for a golden piece of porcelain to shit in and went into a Bloomingdales. Best decision ever. I walked into the men's room and was immediately in awe of the couches that were in there. Finally, a little reciprocity. And of course, as all Asian tourists stereotypically do, I immediately reached for my camera. Then I had a second thought. A) gosh that is so AZN to bust out a camera but B) what if someone walked in. Firs thing in their mind... "what the fuck is this kid doing taking pictures in the bathroom.. security!!"

Well then, hope this helps you think more carefully about the decisions you make in public restrooms.

Also, don't forget to tell your friends, not family, to read the blog!! Respeck!

STALK this...

Sorry that it has been a while since my last post. I have been traveling the world and catching up on tv shows. Well, more of the latter, none of the former. I've just been really fucking lazy, so sorry.

I was inspired by today's topic by the students that I work with. This is a common, re-occurring statement I hear a daily basis which I think is absolutely ridiculous to begin with. What? Being a "stalker" on facebook or whatever social networking device.

I hate it when people say that they have been stalking your facebook or stalking your pictures or stalking your blog. You want to know what fucking stalking is?! It is when you follow a girl home from the bar, wait for her to go to bed, climb through her window and cuddle with her. Well, maybe that is a little more then stalking. But fucking flipping through someone's tagged pictures on facebook IS NOT STALKING.

You know why people (mainly girls) use terms like "um so I was totally stalking your facebook"? It is because they want to bring more attention to themselves and give a more unique term to them really bullshitting and procrastinating in life for 3 hours. What's wrong with saying..."yeah so I saw in your pictures...."? Well maybe because you don't want the person you are talking about say... "ew you stalker!".

You know what the truth is with all of that shit?!?! If someone puts their shit out there up on their profile, their blog, their photostream, etc... then they fucking want people to see it. I have all my shit out there for everyone to see. I have all my pictures for everyone to see.. well maybe except 4 people. If you don't want someone to see your shit, then change your settings so certain or all people can't see stuff. Don't call them a stalker for reading your information and finding out you work at Hooters. Stop making yourself feel more important than you are and try to flatter yourself by saying that so and so was totallllyyy stalking you.

The only exception is the TRUE facebook stalk. This is where you want more information about someone and you flip through common friends' pictures and hope to see that person tagged in a photo and maybe you click that album to see if there are more pictures of that person?? I don't know where that came from, someone told me that one before. Or hoping that that person has a public profile. OR if they are in a different network than you, you call your friend in that network to see if they can see that person's profile.... ummm then that is really stalking because if you are not facebook friends with a person, there is a 0% chance you are real friends with them.

I don't care if you read this and I have not seen you or talked to you in 20 years. I put this out there because I want everyone to read it.. well except the previously mentioned 4 people. Just don't make yourself look pretentious by saying people stalk you on facebook. And definitely don't bullshit yourself by saying your curiosity to look at pictures or read someone's shit was stalking.

Until the police post your picture on light posts and the Diamondback writes an article about you mysteriously cuddling with random girls, then you can call yourself a stalker.

Stalk this more often. I promise less time in between posts from now on. Respeck!

Dear Congress... Here's Your Solution to Juvenile Deliquency and Overall Crime

I was bothered by a story an anonymous friend, we will call him or her "Kortney" told me the other day. He or she told me about this person who we both knew that was 20/21 years old and had 2 children. Don't get me wrong, nothing is wrong with having children at a young age. The issue is when the person who is having these children is a fucking moron!

The person he or she was talking about was someone who actually played a huge role in my girlfriend and I getting together.

Originally during my senior year of high school, I was a TA for a biology class. On the first day of the class, the person being discussed, threatened to fight the teacher and all hell broke loose. As soon as that happened I asked if I could TA the teacher's HONORS biology class so I didn't have to spend the last semester of high school sitting in a classroom with a bunch of fuck-tards. That move to the honors class is where I met my gf, so at least this dunce-cap wearing idiot had one positive impact.

Anyway, people like this person should never ever be allowed to have children. Let them have sex all they want. Just don't let them have children. I love looking at little babies and their fat faces and laugh at the idea of punting them. But I feel saddened thinking someone like THAT is responsible for the lives of 2 human beings. That is disgusting.

So what do we do in a situation like this? We, as a nation, need to take preventative measures to make sure complete idiots like that do not reproduce and spread more of their breed around this fine country.

What I propose is to have a screening process at age 16. Maybe it can take place in a room right next to where you get your driver's license. Maybe DMV's will sponsor this? This screening process would involve medical professionals, mental health professionals and normal civil servants like teachers and police officers to screen each 16 year old. They would be simply screening whether or not this teenager in front of them is 'okay' enough to carry on their life, so that maybe one day in the future, they are free to spread their seed (or someone seed them)in hopes of reproduction.

By 'okay' I mean is this person not a fucking idiot? Does this person lay down in the back of classrooms while the teacher is teaching? Does this person throw textbooks out of a 3rd floor window into the courtyard of the high school? Does this person excessively end words with -izzy? Does this person smoke a blunt in front of a police officer while standing in front of them through a window while the police officer is breaking up a party? Does this person refer to their parents as their dealer?

Unfortunately, these examples I just used are people I know and have had the un-delightful pleasure of being around in my day. If the answer yes comes up to questions like those, then those kids should never have kids of their own. Don't get me wrong I am not saying anything against people who actually have mental or psychological issues. I am talking purely about people who have no excuse to be a fucking idiot and act like a cartoon character every second of every day.

How do you prevent that? You fucking sterilize them right then and there. The way technology is going, you could probably do some sort of e-snip that at a push of a mouse button you can cut a male's vas deferens, or snip a woman's fallopian tube or two. Either way, those people do not need to reproduce more of them.

Well now that I have offended probably 80% of you, I love you. Please comment and get unknowing strangers to read the blog! Respeck.

Cont... The Air Travel Rant

Unless you or your family are extremely rich and probably a douche bag, we all know what it is like to sit in the standard coach section of an airplane. We all understand how uncomfortable it can be and how tight things can be. And if you are portly, like myself (fine, tanned Asian nonetheless) then you know how things can be REALLY tight.

With that said, one thing that is nearly inevitable is looking up at each and every person that walks by you. I know for me, I am an aisle seat guy and every time someone walks by, I can't help but look up at them and more than likely they do the same. One thing that is a terrible situation I hope no one has to go through but always happens, is the Walk of Shame. In college the walk of shame is when some whore is walking back around campus or riding the shuttle bus wearing her silver tube top with hooker stilettos from the night before at 8am. I would rather be in that position than the airline walk of shame because it at least says, "yeah I got fucking laid." The walk of shame on the airplane is the miserable departure from the airplane's "lavatory" back to your seat after dropping the Cosby's off at the swimming pool. First off, what the fucking is a lavatory? What happened to your standard words like bathroom, restroom, shit hole?

When people seated in the plane, especially in the first 5-7 rows facing the bathroom, see someone go into the bathroom, usually you won't think anything of it. But if you take a while, no matter what those other passengers are doing and you come out after a long time in there, automatically, they say to themselves, "Jesus Mary and Joseph, they were in there for a long fucking time ew." Then you have to make the walk back to your seat where every single person who isn't asleep looks up at you, probably roll their eyes and give a minor sniff. You know what gets received with this sniff? The fucking rancid smell that the airplane bathroom already smells like that you have been trailing for 10 rows, PLUS the smell that you produced because your fucking ass is FACE level with each person you walk by now. And like I said those airplanes are so tight that when something stinks, it fucking stinks.

(On the side tip, my last trip, this fucking cunt who was diagonal from me had the AUDACITY to open a can of tuna fish as her snack. Who the fuck needs to eat tuna fish on an airplane? I would rather have stuck my face in between some sweaty Indian lady's grundle before smelling tuna fish on an airplane.)

Sorry, I digressed. Anyway, the walk of shame is fucking humiliating. I have not shit on an airplane since I was probably 14 and it was diarrhea. Yet I did get the walk of shame dirty looks after the first time I masturbated in the airplane bathroom. I do not know if it was because I took 15 minutes, or because the door broke open while I was leaning against it, causing me to land with my pants around my ankles, rolling around on the aisle? Either way, it fucking sucks being stared at. Usually I do not care what people think but fuckkk come on its so quiet and lame in the airplane that people have nothing better to do but be disgusted by the look of your face and stench of your ass.

But I feel for those guys who have to submit themselves to that public humiliation, because if you are subjecting yourself to squeeze in the shitter that is the size of the Frank family chill spot, then you probably HAVE to go. But what can you do to prevent this? If you have a choice between the bathrooms behind you and not in front of you, ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS go to the bathrooms in the back. People will only smell you when you walk by with your freshly, relieved ass, but they will not see your face nor will you have to make eye contact. Your other option, shit at the airport. Last option, just hold it. That's what I do. Fuck it if I have hemorrhoids, at least no one will have to look at that... well unless they toss my salad?

Hope you are not disgusted. I'm out for now, love you all. Respeck!