Who Gives a Shit? I do!

Today's masterpiece is on a simple topic that affects everyone, everyday. Sorry ladies, this may be a more man-focused discussion, but I will do my best to try to tie in some similarities.

I was inspired by one of my best friends regarding this topic. For privacy reasons, he can be referred to as "Pete." He was telling me via text how he was taking a work-day shit break when some douche came in, took a pisser and turned off the lights on his way out. On a side note, I was amazed that this even happened because my friend, "Pete" is notorious for the gone in 60 seconds, fly-by shit. He once said in high school, "if I'm not out in a minute, I'm dead, call the police." Anyway, first thing that comes to mind is, in your work bathroom with obvious multi-person capabilities, who the fuck turns off the light? Is that your way of going green? This is not elementary school where its funny to take a popsicle stick and turn off the lights in the bathrooms. You ain't paying the bills, why the fuck are you turning off the light?

With all the said, today's topic: Bathroom Etiquette.

When looking at "Pete's" situation, every person has one huge responsibility when they are in the shitter. If you are dropping of Bill and the Cosby family off at the swimming pool, you need to let any newcomer that enters your domain, know that there is serious business going on. For instance, when someone walks, you need to have an automatic reaction. For most its the traditional clearing of the throat obnoxiously loud. For others, its the fake cough. Some like to shift around a lot, maybe getting the toilet seat to squeak. Some are like me and like to do their best to rip a juicy fart so a) your presence has been felt and smelt and b) you have established true master of the domain.

What does this mean? If you are walking into a bathroom and you realize there is a person in the shitter, don't turn off the fucking lights on your way out. Even worse, don't stand outside of the shitter door when someone is in there. Do your best to move to the side or something. Nothing is worse than sitting on the can and looking through the cracks just to see someone sitting there. It's like there is always someone looking at you. Some people are freaks and maybe they want to peek in. Go ahead, you'll get an eye full of pubes that look like a MANgina if you stare into my stall.

Next bathroom etiquette rule/standard of excellence: the 1 urinal buffer. This is an automatic ManLaw and something that your father should have taught you ever since you stopped peeing in a huggie. For those of you without a father, like me, you should have learned it from some drunk bastard who caressed your bicep at a baseball game. If that's not true for you, then I need to fire my therapist for saying that was a perfectly normal instance for any 17 year old kid. Anywho, one way or another, you should have learned to keep a 1 urinal buffer, if the situation allows of course. Apparently, this needs to be repeated because recently I was in an airport and out of literally 25 open urinals, this Danny DeVito look alike, wearing a sleeveless Everlast boxing shirt, cotton shorts and a fanny pack with monster head phones on, pulls up next to me starts draining the lizard. I was totally disgusted, I literally contemplated risking a UTI and stop myself, mid-stream just to walk cock out to the next urinal over. The awkwardness involved with having another man inches away from you in the most vulnerable of positions is unnecessary, so pee smarter!

Next bathroom etiquette piece of advice: I've seen the hover method fail miserably. I hear these stories of people hovering, I nearly gag. I do not know about you guys but there is MINIMAL consistency when it comes to the byproduct of my balloon knot. I feel like if I was a hover method follower, I would have stained legs.
Years ago when I was in Spain, I was with someone, we will call him "Nat" came back from the bathroom and sat down. He was sitting next to me in this nice restaurant. The chairs had a white cover on the fancy high-back chairs. When we were leaving I look down at his seat to see a brown spot. I said, "Nat" wtf is that?" He puts his finger on it, does a surface wipe and sniffs..."oh my gosh, its shit... its really shit! Was that you?!?" Was it me? What the fuck, you think I just happened to slide my own fucking shit onto your chair. Real mature dude. Then we look at the back of his khaki pants and tennis shoes to notice shit all over. It was not until days later that he admitted that it was his shit. How you ask? He said that he is an avid hover-er, and happened to be loose that evening and well, the results spoke for themselves. Be a man, wipe up the seat,and just like Nike said, Just do it.

Ladies, I know I said I would try to relate, but I realized that I can't. I do not really know how a ladies bathroom works. What I do know is that every single nice department store, the ladies bathroom looks like a fucking formal living room on real housewives of Atlanta. I get jealous of that shit. Talk about a money place to nap during shopping. Yet, when I was in Mall of America, I was looking for a golden piece of porcelain to shit in and went into a Bloomingdales. Best decision ever. I walked into the men's room and was immediately in awe of the couches that were in there. Finally, a little reciprocity. And of course, as all Asian tourists stereotypically do, I immediately reached for my camera. Then I had a second thought. A) gosh that is so AZN to bust out a camera but B) what if someone walked in. Firs thing in their mind... "what the fuck is this kid doing taking pictures in the bathroom.. security!!"

Well then, hope this helps you think more carefully about the decisions you make in public restrooms.

Also, don't forget to tell your friends, not family, to read the blog!! Respeck!