Sunday Quick Hitter: Words that make me laugh

Just popping in on a lovely Mother's day evening to give a list of five words that never fail to make me laugh:

1) Schlong - A rarely used word to describe your junk. Randomly refer to your "thing" as your schlong and someone in the room will surely give you a high five!

2) Grundle - Old, white people call it your taint and medical folk call it your perineum. Grundle is easily the top choice. Much like the area between your nuts and hole, the word just sounds nasty, its a little obscure and makes any conversation that much more awesome!

3) Shart - A word used way too much on this blog. Simply stated, no hidden meanings. What you see is what you get - a shit fart.

4) Wenis - lol I can't even type this without laughing. Apparently meaning the extra skin of your elbow, I really don't buy that, but dammit will use that word for the rest of my life. Calling someone a wenis.. is that mean? Are you being nice by not calling them a penis? Did you even mean to say that? What is it you are trying to say? The obscurity just makes it more awesome!

5) Women's sports - LOL

Being a Fully Functional Human After College

In my current job I have the luxury of working with the brightest college students in the country, maybe the world. That's not an exaggeration. These are kids that are 4-8 years younger than me and are easily 45x smarter than I will ever be.... and most of them AREN'T Asian, WTF?!?

Despite being humbled by their brain power on a daily basis, I find myself being very appreciative for the gift of social awareness and how to be a functioning human in this world. Some of these kids are smart enough to code the next social media phenomenon or manage a multi-billion dollar hedge fund, but don't know use an ATM machine or use public transportation. Granted, those things can be tough especially to some of my international students. Well, let me break it down a little further then. How about when someone looks at you in the face and says "Hi, how are you?" you fucking respond! Or when there is a sign on the bathroom door that says, "lock is broken, please knock" you ummmm I don't know, KNOCK, and not just barge in like you're fucking John Wayne. 

Now, I don't want to pick on my kids because they're awesome and make my job easier. Instead, let's talk about some things that everyone who leaves college should be smart enough to do/know/have!

1) Resume: Having a resume that doesn't look like fucking Tommy Pickles and Angelica put it together. It is really amazing how many resumes I have seen from my employees, former employees, randoms that look like some doo-doo sauce. Here's an easy check for that. Look at your resume, Google wtf a resume should look like, and if yours looks like the JV version of anything you see on Google, then it probably sucks. Even better, let another person look at it. Good formatting and aesthetically pleasing-ness is literally 75% of the battle!

2) Cargo shorts: Remember in Superbad when Jonah Hill said that no one has gotten a hand job in cargo shorts since 'nam!? That's not true. No one has gotten a hand job in cargo shorts...ever. The only people who need cargo shorts: _________. Nope still got nothing. Even the adventure hikers or outdoorsmen who claim a practical need for the extra pockets... nah, I don't buy it. I'll admit I had a cargo shorts phase in high school. Don't blame me, blame Old Navy. Now hear this: THE ONLY EXCEPTION to the cargo shorts rule is for novelty purposes. Examples: cargo jorts or camo cargo shorts. Note: A full blown blog entry about post-college males and shitty things to wear in public COMING SOON!

3) The difference between being punctual and being an asshole: Whether it is an interview, a meeting, a meal of food, punctuality is important. Punctual, it's English, American freakin' English, for arriving somewhere at an agreed upon time. Being late is tad different of a subject (SEE #5). Obviously giving yourself more than enough time is important, especially if you are compensating for traffic, parking, weather, etc... The key is if you show up for, let's say, an interview twenty minutes early, sit in your car, sit in the lobby and play Angry Birds. Whatever you do, don't go up to the person you are meeting and try to shit-nose your way by making it a point that you are a third of an hour early. I hate when people are early for things like interviews and meetings with me, especially in my office. If I'm enjoying a delicious Lean Cuisine, well dammit, I'm going to finish it. I'm not gonna risk burning my mouth or throwing away a $2.99 treat because some dick wanted to prove a point by being early. Early =/= punctual.

Here we go, this picture seems accurate for me in my office. Well-dressed minority, eating sushi:

4) Writing an email like someone who is older than 13: Even if you work for AOL and AIM (r.i.p) it probably isn't acceptable to write emails like an a-hole. You won't believe how many emails I see where the writer doesn't capitalize, use anything that resembles punctuation or signs their emails. Normally I wouldn't care about signing your emails, but when you are 20 years old and still use your hotmail account from 2001 that is something like xxxsoccerQT69xxx@hotmail.com, wellllllll guess what? I have no idea who this email is from! I don't want to dwell on this topic or else I'll just get straight pissed. Just leave out the wink faces and LOLs, write like an adult, and you're in business.

If this bitch was typing, she'd simply say: "SMDH"

5) Showing up on time: Managing a group of 60-80 college kids is a lot of fun, really. The only times I get really, really irritated are when these donkeys show up late with no excuse or without calling or emailing in advance. NEWS FLASH - showing up late in the real world is not cool. In college, walking into a lecture 7 minutes late, strutting your nuts like you're fucking Zack Morris, yeah that's cool. Walking into the office late because your McCafe took a little longer than anticipated at the drive thru... FIRED! So next time you want to be like Zack, pull out your huge fucking cell phone and let someone know you're running late.

"Guys" You Should Have

Well, well, well. Long time no see! Sorry it's been nearly two years since the last time I posted. If I said I've been really busy, I'd be lying. It's more like, I've been really lazy and have been spending way too much time on Twitter. It takes a lot less effort to rant and bitch in 140 characters.

Since my last blog post in 2010, I've changed jobs, moved to California, gotten married and learned a lot more than four years of college could offer. Being out in California with just my wife and dog, I've learned the importance of having a "guy" for all things important.

You know when you watch tv or a movie, if someone has a need or an issue, the rich white person seems to always have a "guy" for that. Before I moved to California, I never really had a "guy" for anything. Now I have a "guy" for almost everything.

First off, let me define "guy" before you guys think I moved to California and totes went gay sauce. Your "guy" is someone that is not only your go-to for that need or service, but a person you develop a close relationship and someone you, without hesitation, recommend if someone you know is in need for that service your "guy" provides. This truly is a person that you become dependent on for your life to be awesome. Other terms may include: "go-to mother fucker," "my dude," "my mans."

Let me go in detail about my "guys" out here in California.

1) Steve, my dog watching "guy" - As the West Coasters would say, Steve is "hella gnarly." Steve runs the kennel that we take our dog Frank to when we go out of town. Steve earned the title as being my "guy" for a number reasons. First off, he wasn't the first or only person we've left our dog with out here in California. He just happens to be the only one who wasn't a total dipshit. Steve drives a Mini Cooper, so he's either really Euro or loved the movie The Italian Job. My dog Frank is a dachshund, so he's German and it would make sense that him and Euro Steve get along. Steve mentioned that he grew up with a dachshund so I know Frank gets the attention that needy pup wants. So now when we drop Frank off at Steve's and he runs out of the car excited  (like a total asshole who is disregarding his owner's feelings) I feel confident in knowing that Steve's my "guy" and there ain't shit to worry about.

2) Bowen, my Asian mechanic "guy" - Cars. Cars can be a big pain in the ass. You know what's even worse than cars? Fucking mechanics. No offense to any mechanics or family members of mechanics who are reading, but my gosh. I see a mechanics mouth moving and all I see are $ $ $. Bowen is my "guy" because he is the epitome of what all mechanics should aspire to be. Bowen runs a shop right off the main drag so you know he's making sweet dough. I've quickly learned that the key to Bowen's success, like most Asians, is efficiency. Bowen is a no bullshit kind of guy. He doesn't want to cheat people out of money, because mother trucker doesn't want to do any more work! Why do more work than needed? Shit Bowen, I been saying that my whole life!

Bowen and I were connected by fate. One day I took my car to the dealer and homeboy said I had cracked engine mounts and needed x, y, z replaced all for the low, low price of one month's rent. I looked at this guy in the face and said biiitchhhhhhhhhhh! (makes more sense if you watch this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LGEiIL1__s ) Then I went to Bowen, per Yelp reviews. Bowen stuck a camera in the engine and basically said ah skeet skeet skeet to everything the dealer had said.  Ever since that day, any small mis-hap with my whip and Bowen is on speed dial. Bowen, my Asian mechanic "guy."

3) Sandy, my Asian haircut "gal/guy" - One thing I didn't know before I moved to California was that the only things that are not expensive in California are liquor and haircuts. I moved here and drove around seeing signs for $7-$10 haircuts. At first I was like, "what the fuck? Are these signs from 1997?" Then I quickly learned why haircuts are so inexpensive. Apparently the only pre-requisite for being able to cut hair in the Bay Area is being able to speak clunky ass Vietnamese and .... welp, that's about it. For anyone who has ever seen me in real life any time after 2005, you would know that I've had the same haircut. A shaved head. Nothing crazy, just a shaved head. This past year, I've been spicing it up with a subtle line-up in the front. Again, nothing crazy. You wouldn't believe how hard it was to get this achieved. No bull, I went to about 10 different people before finding Sandy, my Asian ride-or-die chick. Not only does she give a great cut for $9 pre-tip, but she doesn't talk (to me or at me), she shampoos my head every time without charging me $5 and she doesn't call me Brian like my old lady did - Asian Tina. Asian Tina still gets the luxury of doing my pedicures, but she doesn't make the cut as one of my "guys."

My honorable mention "guys":

- Jose my cafe "guy" - Jose works at the cafe in my office building. He gives me student rates for things. He doesn't make the cut because I feel like he works so much that he could be everyone's guy.

- Pedro my maintenance "guy" - Well, maybe quotes weren't needed. He's the maintenance guy at our apartment complex. It is nice to have a friendly relationship with the people who service your home. Pedro misses the list because much like Jose, there's really no choice involved.


"Guys" I would like to add to my list:

- A golf "guy - someone who can hook me up in all things golf. I feel like all rich, white people have a golf "guy." Share them!

- A bartender "guy" - I think it might be from watching too much How I met your Mother, but I want to be able to have a go-to place with my go-to homie ("guy") that can hook it up!

- A cab "guy" - Always good to have one of those.

Who am I kidding? The ultimate answer is having a rich, white guy. No quotes needed. If I had one of those around, I can just mooch off his "guys."

Although these all seem like a basic person that everyone has, it's important to let your "guys" know that they're your "guy." Don't be afraid of commitment! Committing to your "guys" can sound wrong in so many ways, but lead to a great relationship, lead to less worry and stress, sweet deals and best of all, if you are in an unfamiliar place like me: a familiar face to see occasionally!