Despite being humbled by their brain power on a daily basis, I find myself being very appreciative for the gift of social awareness and how to be a functioning human in this world. Some of these kids are smart enough to code the next social media phenomenon or manage a multi-billion dollar hedge fund, but don't know use an ATM machine or use public transportation. Granted, those things can be tough especially to some of my international students. Well, let me break it down a little further then. How about when someone looks at you in the face and says "Hi, how are you?" you fucking respond! Or when there is a sign on the bathroom door that says, "lock is broken, please knock" you ummmm I don't know, KNOCK, and not just barge in like you're fucking John Wayne.
Now, I don't want to pick on my kids because they're awesome and make my job easier. Instead, let's talk about some things that everyone who leaves college should be smart enough to do/know/have!
1) Resume: Having a resume that doesn't look like fucking Tommy Pickles and Angelica put it together. It is really amazing how many resumes I have seen from my employees, former employees, randoms that look like some doo-doo sauce. Here's an easy check for that. Look at your resume, Google wtf a resume should look like, and if yours looks like the JV version of anything you see on Google, then it probably sucks. Even better, let another person look at it. Good formatting and aesthetically pleasing-ness is literally 75% of the battle!
2) Cargo shorts: Remember in Superbad when Jonah Hill said that no one has gotten a hand job in cargo shorts since 'nam!? That's not true. No one has gotten a hand job in cargo shorts...ever. The only people who need cargo shorts: _________. Nope still got nothing. Even the adventure hikers or outdoorsmen who claim a practical need for the extra pockets... nah, I don't buy it. I'll admit I had a cargo shorts phase in high school. Don't blame me, blame Old Navy. Now hear this: THE ONLY EXCEPTION to the cargo shorts rule is for novelty purposes. Examples: cargo jorts or camo cargo shorts. Note: A full blown blog entry about post-college males and shitty things to wear in public COMING SOON!
3) The difference between being punctual and being an asshole: Whether it is an interview, a meeting, a meal of food, punctuality is important. Punctual, it's English, American freakin' English, for arriving somewhere at an agreed upon time. Being late is tad different of a subject (SEE #5). Obviously giving yourself more than enough time is important, especially if you are compensating for traffic, parking, weather, etc... The key is if you show up for, let's say, an interview twenty minutes early, sit in your car, sit in the lobby and play Angry Birds. Whatever you do, don't go up to the person you are meeting and try to shit-nose your way by making it a point that you are a third of an hour early. I hate when people are early for things like interviews and meetings with me, especially in my office. If I'm enjoying a delicious Lean Cuisine, well dammit, I'm going to finish it. I'm not gonna risk burning my mouth or throwing away a $2.99 treat because some dick wanted to prove a point by being early. Early =/= punctual.
Here we go, this picture seems accurate for me in my office. Well-dressed minority, eating sushi:
4) Writing an email like someone who is older than 13: Even if you work for AOL and AIM (r.i.p) it probably isn't acceptable to write emails like an a-hole. You won't believe how many emails I see where the writer doesn't capitalize, use anything that resembles punctuation or signs their emails. Normally I wouldn't care about signing your emails, but when you are 20 years old and still use your hotmail account from 2001 that is something like xxxsoccerQT69xxx@hotmail.com, wellllllll guess what? I have no idea who this email is from! I don't want to dwell on this topic or else I'll just get straight pissed. Just leave out the wink faces and LOLs, write like an adult, and you're in business.
If this bitch was typing, she'd simply say: "SMDH"
5) Showing up on time: Managing a group of 60-80 college kids is a lot of fun, really. The only times I get really, really irritated are when these donkeys show up late with no excuse or without calling or emailing in advance. NEWS FLASH - showing up late in the real world is not cool. In college, walking into a lecture 7 minutes late, strutting your nuts like you're fucking Zack Morris, yeah that's cool. Walking into the office late because your McCafe took a little longer than anticipated at the drive thru... FIRED! So next time you want to be like Zack, pull out your huge fucking cell phone and let someone know you're running late.
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