"Guys" You Should Have

Well, well, well. Long time no see! Sorry it's been nearly two years since the last time I posted. If I said I've been really busy, I'd be lying. It's more like, I've been really lazy and have been spending way too much time on Twitter. It takes a lot less effort to rant and bitch in 140 characters.

Since my last blog post in 2010, I've changed jobs, moved to California, gotten married and learned a lot more than four years of college could offer. Being out in California with just my wife and dog, I've learned the importance of having a "guy" for all things important.

You know when you watch tv or a movie, if someone has a need or an issue, the rich white person seems to always have a "guy" for that. Before I moved to California, I never really had a "guy" for anything. Now I have a "guy" for almost everything.

First off, let me define "guy" before you guys think I moved to California and totes went gay sauce. Your "guy" is someone that is not only your go-to for that need or service, but a person you develop a close relationship and someone you, without hesitation, recommend if someone you know is in need for that service your "guy" provides. This truly is a person that you become dependent on for your life to be awesome. Other terms may include: "go-to mother fucker," "my dude," "my mans."

Let me go in detail about my "guys" out here in California.

1) Steve, my dog watching "guy" - As the West Coasters would say, Steve is "hella gnarly." Steve runs the kennel that we take our dog Frank to when we go out of town. Steve earned the title as being my "guy" for a number reasons. First off, he wasn't the first or only person we've left our dog with out here in California. He just happens to be the only one who wasn't a total dipshit. Steve drives a Mini Cooper, so he's either really Euro or loved the movie The Italian Job. My dog Frank is a dachshund, so he's German and it would make sense that him and Euro Steve get along. Steve mentioned that he grew up with a dachshund so I know Frank gets the attention that needy pup wants. So now when we drop Frank off at Steve's and he runs out of the car excited  (like a total asshole who is disregarding his owner's feelings) I feel confident in knowing that Steve's my "guy" and there ain't shit to worry about.

2) Bowen, my Asian mechanic "guy" - Cars. Cars can be a big pain in the ass. You know what's even worse than cars? Fucking mechanics. No offense to any mechanics or family members of mechanics who are reading, but my gosh. I see a mechanics mouth moving and all I see are $ $ $. Bowen is my "guy" because he is the epitome of what all mechanics should aspire to be. Bowen runs a shop right off the main drag so you know he's making sweet dough. I've quickly learned that the key to Bowen's success, like most Asians, is efficiency. Bowen is a no bullshit kind of guy. He doesn't want to cheat people out of money, because mother trucker doesn't want to do any more work! Why do more work than needed? Shit Bowen, I been saying that my whole life!

Bowen and I were connected by fate. One day I took my car to the dealer and homeboy said I had cracked engine mounts and needed x, y, z replaced all for the low, low price of one month's rent. I looked at this guy in the face and said biiitchhhhhhhhhhh! (makes more sense if you watch this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LGEiIL1__s ) Then I went to Bowen, per Yelp reviews. Bowen stuck a camera in the engine and basically said ah skeet skeet skeet to everything the dealer had said.  Ever since that day, any small mis-hap with my whip and Bowen is on speed dial. Bowen, my Asian mechanic "guy."

3) Sandy, my Asian haircut "gal/guy" - One thing I didn't know before I moved to California was that the only things that are not expensive in California are liquor and haircuts. I moved here and drove around seeing signs for $7-$10 haircuts. At first I was like, "what the fuck? Are these signs from 1997?" Then I quickly learned why haircuts are so inexpensive. Apparently the only pre-requisite for being able to cut hair in the Bay Area is being able to speak clunky ass Vietnamese and .... welp, that's about it. For anyone who has ever seen me in real life any time after 2005, you would know that I've had the same haircut. A shaved head. Nothing crazy, just a shaved head. This past year, I've been spicing it up with a subtle line-up in the front. Again, nothing crazy. You wouldn't believe how hard it was to get this achieved. No bull, I went to about 10 different people before finding Sandy, my Asian ride-or-die chick. Not only does she give a great cut for $9 pre-tip, but she doesn't talk (to me or at me), she shampoos my head every time without charging me $5 and she doesn't call me Brian like my old lady did - Asian Tina. Asian Tina still gets the luxury of doing my pedicures, but she doesn't make the cut as one of my "guys."

My honorable mention "guys":

- Jose my cafe "guy" - Jose works at the cafe in my office building. He gives me student rates for things. He doesn't make the cut because I feel like he works so much that he could be everyone's guy.

- Pedro my maintenance "guy" - Well, maybe quotes weren't needed. He's the maintenance guy at our apartment complex. It is nice to have a friendly relationship with the people who service your home. Pedro misses the list because much like Jose, there's really no choice involved.


"Guys" I would like to add to my list:

- A golf "guy - someone who can hook me up in all things golf. I feel like all rich, white people have a golf "guy." Share them!

- A bartender "guy" - I think it might be from watching too much How I met your Mother, but I want to be able to have a go-to place with my go-to homie ("guy") that can hook it up!

- A cab "guy" - Always good to have one of those.

Who am I kidding? The ultimate answer is having a rich, white guy. No quotes needed. If I had one of those around, I can just mooch off his "guys."

Although these all seem like a basic person that everyone has, it's important to let your "guys" know that they're your "guy." Don't be afraid of commitment! Committing to your "guys" can sound wrong in so many ways, but lead to a great relationship, lead to less worry and stress, sweet deals and best of all, if you are in an unfamiliar place like me: a familiar face to see occasionally!