For the Ladies...The Truth About Guys

Wow. A Month. I have not posted in a fucking month. Sorry.

I am lucky (or unlucky) enough to have a job where I work with all college kids. I also have all sisters and a bunch of female friends. If there is one thing, ONE THING in common with girls in general, is that they all bitch about guys. There is not one thing constant about the female gender besides the fact that they all bitch about guys. Shit, not all of them have tits, not all of them have vertical snatches, the ONLY constant is their ability to bitch about dudes.

Listen ladies. I am not professional, but I am a realist. You are not alone when you are bitching about this or bitching about that. What I can tell you though is that your man/boyfriend/significant other/booty call is also not alone. He is just like everyone else.

The following is a list of things that are constant across the board for all heterosexual males.

1) ALL GUYS WATCH PORN. Fuck you for not believing that, it's true.

2) WATCHING PORN DOESN'T MEAN YOU AREN'T PLEASING US. We have been watching porn since internet was dial-up, our service was EROLS and it took 15 minutes to download a 42 second clip. We have been watching porn since we were 13. There is no difference why we watched porn at 13 than why we do at 23. It's a billion dollar entertainment industry. Unless a guy comes to you saying he only wants to bust a nut on your face and stick his fist in your ass, other than that you are fine. Porn is to men as Cosmo is to a girl. Entertainment... and possibly provides some tips on how to improve performance.

3) ALL GUYS MASTERBATE. Anyone that says he doesn't is a liar.

Let's get the porn and the jerking off categories out of the way...

4) JUST BECAUSE HE STARES AT ANOTHER GIRL DOESN'T MEAN SHIT. Stop it right now. If you are a girl who gets mad when some hoe walks by in some cut-off jorts and a tank top, STOP. You should get mad if your man does NOT stare. That would make him gay. Listen. Girls are whores and love attention. They know what they got and flaunt it, you're guilty of it and know it. So what do you do? You wear shit that makes those features get some attention. Now that you realize that you do it... don't get mad at him for staring. It's natural.
(Tip: A guy uses the words Hot or Bangin or Cute to describe any girl. That doesn't mean shit. When a guy says she's beautiful or gorgeous, then you have an issue)

5) THERE IS A DOUBLE STANDARD ABOUT PUBIC HAIR. You shave that shit, he doesn't need to. Trim yes, shave no. Simple as that.

6) DON'T GET MAD WHEN HE TELLS YOU THE TRUTH. Girls have this magical fucking power. They ask you for the truth, you give it to them, they get mad. In turn, guys have now been programmed to automatically lie and tell the girl the answer they want to hear. If she finds out he lied, he's fucked. Its lose-lose. It is so much easier to just not ask for his opinion at all or reward him for his honesty. Trust me, it is so much easier to tell the truth and give your real thoughts/opinions.

7) 95% OF THE SHIT YOU DO, HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT. This is true. This is very important to understand ladies. This does not mean he doesn't care about you. It just means the shit you are doing doesn't interest him. Don't get mad at him if he doesn't show interest. Just do something more interesting.

8) DON'T ASSUME YOU ARE ALWAYS INVITED. Once you make this assumption you have officially stepped your boundaries. If you know he is going somewhere, ask him if he wants you to go. Girls are constantly bitching about going somewhere with him where his friends sucked, or they had no fun. Maybe you had no fun because you had no fucking business there!

9) HE LIKES BLOWJOBS BETTER THAN SEX. Stop complaining about it. As my favorite philosopher Nike once said, "Just Do It."

10) HE NEVER WANTS TO HEAR YOU FART, SEE YOU POOP, SMELL YOUR FUNK. Girls in all guys' minds are still incapable of performing those gross things. Once you do one or all of those things in front of him, you will NEVER be looked at the same. So don't complain if your boyfriend buys you a can of Febreze for your birthday.

11) HIS MOM IS ALWAYS RIGHT. This can be varied to be his mother, grandmother, aunt, whomever. Regardless, if you are arguing about how you do somethings vs his mother, you will never win the argument with him. Just accept it and move on.

12) ALL GUYS GET JEALOUS... EASILY. Stop bitching if he gets jealous every time you talk to a guy or mention your ex. That means he likes you and wants you to shut your face. Don't get mad about it. If you get mad, you are probably a whore and love the attention of a bunch of guys and want to watch him get upset and jealous. If that's the case, you will probably die lonely.

13) ALL GUYS HAVE HAD A GAY DREAM ONCE IN THEIR LIFETIME. This is true. It's a fact. If any guy you are with denies it, he is gay for real.

14) GUYS DON'T PLAY "HARD TO GET". This just means he doesn't like you. Stop kidding yourself.

15) YOU WILL NEVER BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN FOOTBALL. With the exception of anything medical related, nothing will make you more important than football.

This list smells great. Maybe I will add to it in the future.. maybe I will write my proposed truth about women? Either way, thanks for coming back... I'm sorry it has been so long!

Love you all. RESPECK!