Kids with Dads are Cooler than Me

This past weekend was another fun filled July 4^th weekend. I went down with my white friends to Lake Anna in Virginia and did the types of activities you would do at a lake… fish, go on a boat, Jet Ski, tubing, water skiing, pee under water, etc… It was a great time. I had an awesome time with my friends, except it was this weekend more than ever did I realize how much of a donkey puss I am when it comes to anything fun. I do not blame this on my mother who raised me, rather my lack of father.

Being raised by my mom and 3 sisters was great growing up and definitely has its perks now. For instance, I really like shopping, I enjoy cooking, a clean kitchen is a happy kitchen, and I know how to listen to a bitching friend for a long time. Unfortunately, those are characteristics of a gay guy too. And though far from popular belief, I’m pretty positive I am straight. Growing up it really did not have an impact (so I thought), I played a lot of different sports, I was a cub scout, went camping, did a lot. I never got good at any sports and never really did anything exciting outside of sports and traveling. Usually it’s the fathers who push their kids into sports and cater to their strengths. If I didn’t like something, momma let me quit. When it came to cub scouts and I had to be held upside down for these stupid pinning ceremonies, my mom had to ask a different dad to hold me because I was too hefty for her arms… at age 8. Fathers usually help with that fun shit.

This lack of excitement and exposure to “different” activities has lead to me to become a total vagine. Yes that is spelled right, a vagine. Say it out loud, it sounds funnier. (Vuh-jine)

One thing that was never checked off my activities or basic life skills list growing up was swimming. It’s not fun being the kid at the pool parties growing up always clinging on the wall and when the other kids want to play Marco polo or something fun like that, you reply “nah, I’d rather keep on playing Spider Man by myself.” You know what that really means? “I’m a big wussy who does not know how to swim and I am praying these 4 hours go by faster and can we get to the fucking cake already! Gosh get me out me out of this stinkin pool!” It’s also not fun being taught by your girlfriend how to swim… at age 20.. that happened. At least now I am confident that I can doggy paddle if need-be, but you will never find my ass going off a diving board. And yes, I will still cling to the edge of a swimming pool and keep on playing Spider Man, but now if people ask me to play Marco Polo, it’s easier to respond “F off “

Another important life skill that I did not learn until way too late to be useful is learning how to ride a bike. Every freaking 4 year old can ride a bike. Shit those kids on Jon and Kate plus 8 could ride bikes and there’s so many of them. How did their dad have the time to teach them how to ride a bike… you know, barely being there and all (too soon?). Anywho, I didn’t learn until I was 13. That is WAY too old for that shit. I was that kid who walked up to the basketball courts and volunteered to dribble the basketball up to the court so I had an excuse not to ride a bike. I ran through the dirt paths in the woods rather than biked because it was “funner” or I wanted to “test out my shoes.” Being deprived of basic shit like this only caused me to make excuses for myself…. Maybe that’s why I’m fat? Whoops, there’s another excuse.

I could go on and on about shit I never did but that can take too long. Cliff notes real quick, some of those other things include roller coasters, anything fast, and anything water related.

Back to this past weekend...

I found a lot of my weekend being horrified of drowning, horrified of doing anything fast, horrified of sitting on this big ass 8 foot inflatable couch called Super Mable, that even 4 year olds were riding… horrified of it all. I watched as my friends had tons of fun going really fast on the jet ski, or being dragged from the back of a boat, or flying off of a tube just for fun.. That shit looks like fun, but I know I would never ever want to be in a situation where that would happen to me. Rather, I found content (pronounced cun-tent not content like table of contents) in doing things like peacefully sitting on the dock and fishing or floating with 2 life vests in the water. Some may say that there is nothing wrong with that, but I think there is plenty wrong. A) I am too young to be a total pussy and B) what am I going to do when I finally have kids? I am not going to let them grow up and be complete wieners at the sight of water, fast-moving things and Asian people just like I am. Sooner or later I am going to have to man up and try doing some of this shit that white people find so great because looking back at how much of a virgine (word of the day) I am is funny, but at the same time oh so gay that it probably annoys people.. and as much as I annoy people, I don’t want it to be because of me being so weak sauce all the time.

Moral of the story, be a good parent and fucking do some exciting shit with your kid so they turned out as F’d as me.